How To Build A Time Machine
by Reilly Keen
Disclaimer: You better listen to your corner, and watch for the hook.
What you need:
178 Double A batteries
17 doo dads
28 thingamajigs
12 what do you call its
43 doohickeys
3 thingamabobs
20 dollars
2 white poker chips
one copy of "Moby Dick"
a 48 crayon box set
an mp3 player (because you might be bored)
rocks from jupiter
a pair of underwear
one sock
3 gallons of elbow grease
Steps
1. tie a bottle of water to a fishing rod and use it in the lake near your house
2. fill the water with lake water
3. join our discord (not necessary but a good idea anyhow)
4. throw the lake water at your neighbor
5. When your neighbor storms into your house demanding answers, give him some tea and allow him to drink it
6. take the crayons and put them under your couch
7. jump on your couch for 3 minutes
9. tape a knife to one of the Double As (will make it look cool)
9. give your neighbor your double a knife guy
10. the neighbor will now respect you so much they give the genie lamp their gramma gave them
11. the three wishes you should ask:
-give me a time machine
"Here's a time machine!"
he only gives you half a time machine, so you half to build the rest.
Ask the genie then for a ham sandwich (only if you're hungry, otherwise ask him who he thinks is gonna win the world series this year)
He'll tell you that if they play their cards right, the angels, but otherwise the brewers look likely
then wish for him to be free because that's nice :)
12. Now that you have half a time machine, draw a really cool monkey, or a whale if you're into that sort of thing
13. put it in the time machine
14. weld a 8 of spades to it
15. then put in a calendar
you're almost done!
Tell the calendar your deepest darkest fear. The calendar will understand your sorrow. After all, it had a similar fear in college, but it knows you can get through it. We're all rooting for you buddy!
16. grab a chair
watch some hockey. If hockey is in the offseason, or not on, general 'worst sports plays' compilations will also work.
You could probably use a break at this point, you know?
Get yourself some snacks, man. You've been working hard
Anyways.
17. Take the turtle that you stole from the zoo and put it in the bucket
18. Teach it a couple of folk songs and get the turtle signed to a label
19. With the worldwide stardom Morris the turtle has gained, start a cult
20. Finish Paul. He is unneeded.
You're alone. The power is all yours.
21. Force your diehard lackeys to finish the time machine.
22. Travel back in time.
The world is yours to mold.
What will you do?
The power you now have is too much.
By simply poking Leonidas of Sparta, or Genghis Khan, or Ramses IV in the back, a million historical moments throughout our history are not as you remember, as humans are changed forever.
It horrifies you.
How selfish could you have been?
You expect reality to be your plaything, and for what?
For our mortal, foolish desires to be existent in all realms?
Because we as humans cannot truly perceive a moment where we do not exist, then our minds developed a world where we could exist everywhere?
To cheat death?
Because we need to meddle in all affairs in life?
You shudder.
You collapse and sob.
You come to terms with existence.
It's okay that we don't exist everywhere, we have a very specific amount of time on Earth and we need to make the most of it.
The idea we can evade that, make more time for ourselves is selfish and despicable.
23. Eventually, you take a hatchet and destroy the time machine.
24. Only to find that it's gone.
I took it.
Yeah, I may or may not have went through history a ton to set myself up as an all powerful god, so sorry about that.
25. Overthrow a theocratic regime.
But you might ask yourself, "well, how would i go about doing that?"
And I'll tell you, next time for a guidebook.