The Little Engine That Ruined Everything
By Reilly Keen
Ding dong, ding dong. There was a blue, smiling train on the tracks. He was named The Little Engine. He was trusted a plentiful, since he was a hard working train who was reliable. He was a prodigy in his own right.
He delivered toys and delicious food to all the towns. One day, the president decided he would ride a train today, against his presidential Limo, Air Force One, and the presidential yacht. He also decided against Amtrak. There were strange people on the Amtrak. He decided to ride a steam engine. The Little Engine, in fact.
"The president!" The Little Engine exclaimed. "How exciting!"
The townspeople agreed, one saying, "Do you think you can do it?"
The Little Engine replied, "I think I can, I think I can." And everybody laughed. The Little Engine was nervous, however. Such an important man like the president boarding him? That's similar to if Dionysus from the Greek myths favorite wine was a cheap table one. As if.
The Little Engine, in preparation, went to the wax shop, had himself cleaned, and tried to be more classy in the seating areas. He was still nervous, but very prideful and alate with wings of gratification.
Finally, the president was coming on board. "All aboard!" the ticket person chided. The president was flanked by Secret Service agents. The Little Engine was excited as the conductor made him pull out the station.
It was a long ride, but the train was now 100 miles away from Aurora, Illinois, where the president would give a grand speech. However, The Little Engine was headed towards a four-way intersection, but they were headed toward an unbuilt bridge straight ahead. The standard protocol was to turn. This time, he should turn right, since that would be Aurora, so The Little Engine prepared to turn right, but no change. The Little Engine then realized that the conductor was asleep. Everyone aboard was screaming. The Little Engine would fail.
But then, The Little Engine had an idea. It would take all his strength. He must hit the breaks. How to do it? He didn't know. But he knew he had to do it. He just had to try to stop. "I think I can-I think I can-I think I can-I think I can-". He slowed to a crawl. He had done it. The next thing he knew, the president himself was shaking The Little Engine's hand. Well, not exactly. More like pulling on his cowcatcher. But the point still came across. The Little Engine was beaming with fulfillment.
Soon enough, he was being interviewed by CNN, and ABC, and Fox, and all the news teams. "I thought I could, I thought I could" repeated The Little Engine.
But when he was watching Fox News that night, the headlines read "Doofus Train Almost Kills President" as Sean Hannity was making his "Irish seven course meal" joke again. The Little Engine was horrified. The same trouble happened on GMA the next morning, as the story was between "Botox tips" and "Putting a little chocolate in your diet." Soon, nobody trusted trains.
Report after report about trains being responsible for crashes. Protests by humanitarian groups to stop trains. Monorail salesmen relaying to mayors "A much more affordable and eco-friendly train type." Magazines exposing the inside life of fellow trains. The president even issued this statement: Any time a train ticket was issued, the buyer would be mulct, as trains are causing problems.
The Little Engine was upset. This was a grievous matter. Those no-good, distorted, rotten, stuck up, underhanded, misleading, loathsome snobs were ruining his life! They were treating the conductor as a hero. "Marvelous conductor stops rampaging train" his caboose. Why was the media doing this? He had saved the president, and that was obvious. ABC and Fox are already six figures ahead of the average company, why are they still being so pompous?
"The whole program is a lie!" exclaimed The Little Engine. But nobody listened.
While the environment improved, The Little Engine went to the scrapyard. "No! Please, no!" shouted The Little Engine, chugging and screaming. What a crummy month.
Some say if you go to the Washington, D.C. Scrapyard and find a rusted, dark blue engine with a broken headlight and a missing cowcatcher, he will tell the story of the engine's coup de grâce.